The paper will dry. This is what I repeat to myself as I write in my journal while tears roll down my face. I have not written in quite some time. This is partly because I haven’t been able to hear my own voice over the noise of life and also because of my habit of letting it all spill out when i’m writing. Writing causes me to release things that I avoid in an effort to keep it all together. Letting it all out usually results in relief but the process is not comfortable. There’s the tears, pain, and uncertainty of how things will be on the other side of healing that no one wants to go through but ultimately must. For visual purposes I am a sweater and writing is a loose piece of yarn that when pulled will start unraveling. When I don’t pull on it, I move about restricted and afraid to do anything that will snag it.
The questions that I have asked myself over and over without answers continue to race through my head. What does it mean when we’re comfortable in situations and dynamics that mean us no good? Why is appeasing someone else more important than catering to ourselves? People say better the devil you know but why in the hell do we need to know one at all..?? The saying promotes that it is better to deal with a difficult situation or person that you have knowledge of than it is to deal with something/someone new that you’re not familiar with or to even be alone. What if we dealt with the difficult person in the mirror that stops us from moving forward? The small version of us that tells us we can’t, don’t, won’t, shouldn’t. You know the psychic part of us that knows every damn thing except how not to be small.
I consider it a blessing to be able to stand outside of myself to see where the opportunity for growth lies. Standing outside of myself is good but my goal is to be inside effecting change. Not everyone will pause long enough to do this but if you really want to witness change in your life, I believe this is necessary. Sure you can have someone else tell you where the opportunity is but until you want it for yourself, their words might as well be a State of the Union address (under the current administration). If i’m being 100% truthful , my ability to police myself is not consistent. It comes and goes and often leaves me back at the starting line fairly quickly. I used to view my “starts” as losses because starting again to me meant that I was falling behind. Then I thought- Behind who? Behind in what? As long as I’m starting it means that i’m not finished. I repeat – As long as i’m starting, it means that i’m not finished!
Do you remember the sweater I spoke about earlier? Well it turns out that purposely unraveling a sweater is a thing. There are “how to” videos on You Tube and everything so you know it’s legit! You see if you unravel a sweater the right way, the materials will maintain their integrity and you can use them again to make another one. A less ugly sweater if you will. Yes, it will take some time to put it back together but the investment is surely worth it. Here I am pulling the thread on the sweater with the new design already in mind. To anyone that is afraid of the start, I am too but let’s do it anyway and later we can laugh together at the fear that didn’t paralyze us. We’re not finished and the paper will indeed dry!